Tuesday, 29 November 2016

It's not bisexuality. It's obligation

I've slept with two girls. The first time was an experience for us both, to try it out. The second time was different. This ultimately resulted in my friends (at the time) saying I was definitely bisexual, but I never felt that way and it almost angered me when they said it because I knew it was something else I couldn't put my finger on. I couldn't date a girl and have a girlfriend, I've always been for the boys. But sexually, I've been quite open, and that includes ugly boys who don't deserve me.

One night I thought about all of this and wondered why I'd behaved the way I had. I realised it was because I had been sexually abused from a young age, as well as having boyfriends who didn't respect my wishes and I'd lost respect for my body. My body was a free for all, a test subject to be used by anyone. I almost never refused sex with anyone even if I didn't really want it because I didn't want them to get upset/angry. I felt obliged to sleep with that girl, for whatever reason in my head. I didn't enjoy it and wasn't really up for it, it was just a random, uncomfortable drunken experience.

I have self harmed recently and whenever I do, it's because I feel worthless and almost want to punish myself for being me. But I've started worrying about my weight and starting to feel really ugly and fat, so maybe I'm starting to care about my body and the way it looks, ultimately respecting it? Who knows?

They say about sexual abuse survivors being closed off to sex and not accepting sex even from partners, but what about those who lose respect for themselves and just become promiscuous sex slaves trying to keep others happy. It doesn't help that I may have an STI from someone who I should never have slept with in the first place. I'm taking medication for it now and my boyfriend and I can't sleep together for a while, so it's putting things into perspective for me. I need to put my foot down more and only have sex if I really want it.

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