I sometimes feel like I no longer have a mental illness. Lately, I've been feeling calm, with little to no anxiety, no panic attacks, no severe mood drops and no suicidal tendencies. It could all be down to the medication I'm on but it makes me feel like I was just going mad and making it all up in my head before, yet I know what I experienced was painfully real. People share their experiences of mental illness and their struggles which I totally sympathise with now I understand, but I find it hard to share my story because I'm starting to forget how it feels! I guess that's a good thing though. I know I had a lot of panic attacks, but I can only remember two of them. I don't know what's wrong with me.
Maybe I'm just really good at distracting myself nowadays, spending hours on my laptop and taking an interest in writing stories online (something I never thought I'd do). I've ordered those adult colouring books for me and my mum which will also calm me, but it'll make me feel better and then I'll question myself again. Yet, despite this, the fear of coming off my medication is very real. I feel 90% sure that I'll go downhill again and start having panic attacks worse than before, caging me in a life of medication.
Mental illness sucks, but so does the recovery.