Thursday, 26 February 2015

Don't Self Harm

I've learnt first hand why self harming is never a good idea... my cuts are scarring. The first time I cut, they healed really fast, but this time, I went deeper. I didn't draw blood but I scraped the top layer of skin off, to the point that my skin was falling onto my leggings. I've never been one to cut but after already falling into the trap named depression, the break up made me spiral out of control and suicide was on the cards for at least a week - the lowest I've ever been. It wasn't just about the loss of my other half, I became to feel like I was a failure, that I wasn't good enough for him because he wanted to be single. I never understood self harming until I had the urge to do it. It wasn't really about the emotional release (though it kind of helped), it was about punishing myself. I've come to resent myself for how I've turned out. I feel like I'm going insane and that it's pushing people away, yet there's nothing I can do about it, I can never explain it to doctors. I get anxiety now about going to the doctors because I feel like they're rushing me and that I'm wasting their time. I tried anxiety medication and that turned out terribly, I almost passed out. I feel unable to cope with life any more and despite feeling like I'm a strong person, I'm very sensitive.

Now my fairly mild cuts are scarring, I will have to wake up every day, see them and remember that really bad time in my life. It'll remind me of the time that I was weak and let a guy get to me. Over the past few weeks, despite cutting in a discreet area, I've been very conscious about it and I believe a couple people have spotted them. I've been so worried about my mum seeing because she'd be so upset and disappointed in me. It's just a constant reminder of what I'm going through.

Whilst I was cutting, I felt even more insane. I felt like I should be thrown in a mental asylum so I guess it didn't help my mental state. I'm starting to feel slightly better, like I'm gaining more control of life again, though that may not last for long. I worry that if I go down this spiral again, I will end up in hospital. It seems to get worse each time, including anxiety.

I went to a funeral today and thought I was going to puke and pass out, for no reason at all. I was shaking, my legs felt weak and my palms were sweating, I thought I would have to leave. I believe I was scared about showing emotion (I'm not good at that sort of thing) and also being high up, in full view of hundreds of people made me anxious. There were also people there who I'd fallen out with and I felt they were judging me really bad for being there. Now I wonder if I have social anxiety, my dad has it so it's not completely out of the blue.

Just like suicide, you shouldn't do something permanent based on temporary feelings. I understand you have tunnel vision when you're feeling so low but seriously remind yourself of the consequences. Do you want scars on your body that you'll have to hide forever? When you're an old person, will you look at them and think "what was I thinking?". Do you want people to question them all the time? Do you want to be reminded of that really hard time in your life? I made that mistake and I don't want you to make the same one. Some mistakes you should never have to experience to learn from.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Please be respectful. Any offensive comments and spam will be immediately removed.