I've been feeling less emotional pain over this break up, though I still feel like a piece of me is missing. It's been getting easier due to the openness of my ex boyfriend. Soon after the break up, he shut me off, ignored me, was out on the town, made out he was having fun without me etc. Typical. He eventually started breaking down, he admitted that it was his way of coping and that he's really hurt and that he still has feelings for me but he wants to be single. A couple of times, he told me he loved me and I said it back.
Now, he's being a lot nicer. He messaged me at 1am saying this was fucking with his mind, he couldn't cope and he didn't what to do any more. He said he wanted to be with me but something is pulling him back. He eventually admitted that he wasn't ready for commitment, despite telling me constantly for the past two years that I was the one and that he wanted to move out with me. He's been texting me saying things like, "this is hurting me" or "I'm sorry. :( Your letter (my love letter) breaks me". He's finally accepting the pain and realising that life isn't so easy without me now. He says he's torn; should he get back with me or stay single? The single life is winning and I have encouraged us both to remain that way for some time. He needs to mature, learn, grow and find his identity, whilst I need alone time because I haven't been single for many years. He's stuck between being with his soul mate now or potentially losing her forever to have time alone because he's too young and not ready for commitment (probably from his friend's influence). I'd like to think that I'll be there at the end of the tunnel, but I can't be waiting around for him, whilst he sews his oats and goes mad being single. I will have to move on eventually and that thought hurts me. Again, I'd like to think that even if I do move on, we could get that spark back, rekindle our relationship and feel that love again for each other. It's not impossible, right?
I'm glad he's apologised about how he's been treating me, I'm glad he can see what he did to me and he admitted to rubbing things in my face. I apologised too for shouting at him down the phone - not cool! He does seem upset and I'm glad but not in a nasty way. I've been going through hell and have been an absolute mess, yet I felt like he didn't feel the same and that made the pain so much worse. Now I can see he does care, that he is heartbroken and that he does love me.
Right now, I'm trying to get my mind together because I've had a few ugly break downs, self harm and suicidal thoughts included, in the past week alone. I like to think it's not because of this break up, this break up was just a trigger for all of this to come out and now I realise what an absolute mess I am. Anyway, I hope I get through this messy stage of my life and I hope to never get any lower than I feel now, otherwise these blog posts would be discontinued, forever.