Monday, 10 November 2014

Big Relationship Problem

I've been feeling pretty emotionless lately, particularly when with my boyfriend. It could be because I feel my depression is coming back but it's hit me so hard, it's all I'm ever thinking about. My ex's were knobheads, now I find a perfect guy and this happens. I never ever felt this way with them so I'm so confused as to what's causing it.

I know I won't feel butterflies all the time when with my boyfriend, those days have gone and I never expected to feel them always. The honeymoon phase is over but when I felt it was going, I still very much loved him and I still got super excited about seeing him. Now I don't feel anything. I drift away when he's talking, I don't get excited about seeing him and we say that we love each other so much, it feels fake. A lot of the time, I wish he'd be quiet because he's talking about something that's irrelevant or uninteresting. I actually like having disagreements/arguments with him because it's exciting. I find him a nuisance a lot more than normal, I find a lot of what he does irritating and even his mannerisms bug me now. Yet, I still get days where I miss him and can't wait to see him. I've had times like these before but they pass, though this time feels more intense and has lasted longer.

I hate myself for feeling this way. Any girl would die to have him, he treats me so well and will do anything for me. I couldn't ask for more from a guy yet he does that and more already! I feel bad on him because lately he's been so in love with me (strangely around the same time I've become distant). He's become even more keen on moving out whilst the idea is not so appealing to me, now I'm feeling this way. My boyfriend has noticed there's something wrong with me. I just don't know what to say to him. I've told him before that I felt bored in the relationship, that it felt fairly repetitive and he said he didn't feel that way but still tried to spruce things up for me.

I have a few ideas as to what could be causing this. It could be one thing in particular or many things combined.

As I said before, he's been very lovey dovey with me, more than normal. Before, I used to have to try so hard to get any kind of emotion out of him and sometimes I felt he was bored with me and like he didn't care. I'd told him this many times before and it seems overnight, he's been extremely soppy; telling me how much he loves me all the time, he can't leave me alone when we're together, admiring me from afar etc. I'm not complaining but sometimes it can feel suffocating so I withdraw myself away from him which makes him sad and makes me feel bad. When he was so soppy so suddenly and for so long, I instantly thought that maybe he'd done something he regrets and he's being like that to make up for something. Even my brother and mother thought there was something dodgy about it. I guess I feel like he's let me down again by chatting to another girl and keeping it hidden. I know he most likely isn't, he's just showing his love and I'd look terrible for saying it's all to hide something he's done. He'd feel like he can never do anything right in my eyes. But it's like my brain has shut down trying to protect me, assuming the worst and I have to reopen it somehow.

It could also be boredom. We see each other every day and it can be repetitive. We text each other good morning, ask how we are, what we are upto and then we see each other. When he goes home, we text goodnight and I love you. This happens everyday and has been for the whole 20 months. We made an attempt to sort this out but my boyfriend didn't feel there was anything wrong and it didn't last long. I'm worried I could be taking him for granted now though I still appreciate all he does for me. Maybe I've taken the rose tinted glasses off; I'm no longer his biggest fan.

As I referred to, in the past couple of weeks, I've felt my anxiety get worse and my depression resurface. This could be due to the fact that college is getting pretty stressful right now. I have this unfortunate thing in which I basically shut down when I feel stressed or emotionally threatened. I go into catastrophe mode, I can't cope, I lose all sight on how to get out of my position so I shut off, including my emotions. So I feel a mixture of this and his previous antics are contributing.

Another, quite major part is that I haven't been single for more than a year since I was 14 years old. I've been in relationships for roughly 5 years now. I haven't had much me time. I have never gone out clubbing when single. I have never kissed a random stranger. I guess I feel that I should have that time, especially because I feel I'll be with my boyfriend for the rest of my life. It's almost like the certainty of being with him is freaking me out, making me think about the things I'm missing out on.

I've made good friends in college. I laugh harder with them than I do with my boyfriend which makes me feel like maybe we're not so compatible after all. I don't think I've ever laughed hard with my boyfriend without feeling like it's a fake one, although I find what he's done/said pretty funny. It's a strange feeling which I also feel terrible for, like I'm leading him on. I worry that this could also be a defence mechanism; I'm restricting myself from allowing too much of myself to show to him. Maybe I'm experiencing stronger friendships, stronger than my own relationship.

I have considered that maybe I'm falling out of love with him, especially as little things he did before now irritate me but how could I fall out of love with someone who's so good to me? I still find him attractive, I still care about him and want him to do well, I still have times that I miss him. I've never fallen out of love with a guy, especially when they're treating me right. I feel terrible feeling this way, particularly because I know it's only me that's feeling this way. He sees nothing wrong with us but I'm fighting my own battles in this relationships.

I'm so confused, sad and lost. I hope my feelings of love come back soon.

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