Wednesday, 27 August 2014

The Grey Area

My boyfriend and I are having some serious difficulties right now and I'm not sure what to think. Nowadays, when something like this happens, I go numb and can barely think straight so I'm finding it hard to deal with.

I was over his house and he went for food so I was on his tablet. I popped onto his Facebook and looked through his messages (I know I shouldn't have but I've looked before and found things). He had a message from a girl. A girl who we'd argued about twice now - each time he said he would delete her number and stop talking to her.

In my belief, he hadn't spoken to her for many months now but he had messaged her just ten days ago. Not only that, but she constantly asks him to text her instead so there are a lot of conversation I haven't read. I felt a bit sad that he'd lied again but then their conversation darkened. He wanted to play a questions game which turned out to be pure sexual questions. By this point, I felt a bit hurt. One part of me thought that it was highly inappropriate but another was saying that it's just a bit of harmless fun. I mean, I've spoken to my male friend about sexually related things, but I don't hide him/his messages from my boyfriend. I believe if he hadn't acted so shady before with this girl, it wouldn't be such a large problem but at that point, it looked like he had bad intentions with her.

He came back but I kept what I saw quiet. I didn't want him to be annoyed that I looked through his messages again. He left again for another reason and I was on his tablet but on the internet. I opened a tab to go on Google and there were a couple sites underneath in the recently visited area which caught my eye. One was Omegle, I was shocked because I didn't think he was the type to go on chat rooms. I go on them all the time (not Omegle) but it's because I'm a tad introverted and I just like talking to new people. Then I worried that maybe he was on them to talk sexually with girls. I tried to ignore that idea until I saw the other website. At first I thought it was a porn site which I don't have a problem with at all but this website was purely for hooking up with women and finding fuck buddies! At that point, I blew a fuse.

I started thinking that maybe he does have bad intentions with that girl and that he was also looking elsewhere. I thought maybe he is going on Omegle to chat up girls.

My heart sank.

He came back and I confronted him but he didn't react how I expected him to react. He froze and asked what it was. I could tell his heart was racing, he was in shock. Then he changed the subject; something he did when I first confronted him about the girl when she text him after he told me they'd stopped talking! Though this time, he knew it was more serious. He said he'd never seen it before but said nothing else. He didn't apologise or comfort me when I started crying, which he normally does. I eventually left and went to my car, he never followed. About half an hour later, I said if he was sorry and he loved me, he would've come out to talk and comfort me so he eventually did. I cried my heart out in front of him for about half an hour, my mascara was all over my face. I cried so hard.

My boyfriend said today that the thought of losing me was like someone who's close to him dying. I told him that's why I cried so hard last night; he's my other half, another part of me and now I felt like that part had died. I'd lost part of me and my future. I've never been so sure of anyone until I met him. He's been so good to me up until now, I thought he'd never break my heart but he has. He's shown another side to him and it's truly painful.

You're probably wondering why the title is what it is. I'm referring to that grey area in between faithfulness and infidelity.

I don't like it but I've not got a problem with him talking to girls as long as it's innocent. He was playing a game with her for a bit of harmless fun which was based on sexual acts. Whereas, if he'd asked her to send him a nude, he'd be single.

I don't have a problem with him watching porn but him on a site like that is dodgy as fuck. When I asked him to prove he didn't have an account, (surprise, surprise) the history had already been deleted. He said that it probably popped up when he was looking for porn or clicked on thinking it was porn but it wasn't. There's a lot of grey area around the way he reacted and some of his stories don't add up.

He's apologised so much and even my friends have said that he sounds genuinely sorry and think he most likely won't do it again. They still agreed it was wrong, however.

We're meant to be going to a theme park tomorrow for his birthday which is this Friday. It's also our 17 month anniversary tomorrow so it's the worst time for this to happen, yet we're still not 100%. Even if he comes over tonight, it'll probably be quite awkward and tomorrow may feel a bit forced if we do go. I don't know what to believe.

Relationships suck sometimes.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Please be respectful. Any offensive comments and spam will be immediately removed.