Saturday, 19 April 2014

Always paranoid

I'm writing this because I'm feeling paranoid right now and it's getting out of hand.
I regularly think about checking up on my boyfriend's online accounts and it's only recently started. It could be because it was after a year into my first relationship that my ex cheated on me and now I've reached that point in our relationship, it could be subconsciously kicking in. The weird thing is, I trust him completely, I just don't trust others. He gets a lot of female attention which never helps. He can be walking alone and girls come up to him and tell him that they think he's attractive. A lot of women twice his age in his work find him attractive and openly flirt with him. He's completely loyal to me but because he can be quite naive and shy about such situations, I always worry that he'd not react suitably if a girl came onto him.

Shamefully, I tried to get into my boyfriend's Facebook account today and for most of today, I didn't even feel bad nor think about it. Only now I'm realising how bad my paranoia is getting. It's weird how our brains work. I always wanted to understand if people who were manipulative and paranoid, knew what they were doing and now I know that they do, most of the time anyway.

I've looked through his Facebook messages before and found things I wasn't fond of which caused a lot of stress and problems in our relationship a couple months ago. I regretted it for that but I was glad that I found out what was going on (he wasn't cheating by the way).
I really wish this would stop. I feel mentally fucked up and it won't end.

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