Tuesday, 29 November 2016

It's not bisexuality. It's obligation

I've slept with two girls. The first time was an experience for us both, to try it out. The second time was different. This ultimately resulted in my friends (at the time) saying I was definitely bisexual, but I never felt that way and it almost angered me when they said it because I knew it was something else I couldn't put my finger on. I couldn't date a girl and have a girlfriend, I've always been for the boys. But sexually, I've been quite open, and that includes ugly boys who don't deserve me.

One night I thought about all of this and wondered why I'd behaved the way I had. I realised it was because I had been sexually abused from a young age, as well as having boyfriends who didn't respect my wishes and I'd lost respect for my body. My body was a free for all, a test subject to be used by anyone. I almost never refused sex with anyone even if I didn't really want it because I didn't want them to get upset/angry. I felt obliged to sleep with that girl, for whatever reason in my head. I didn't enjoy it and wasn't really up for it, it was just a random, uncomfortable drunken experience.

I have self harmed recently and whenever I do, it's because I feel worthless and almost want to punish myself for being me. But I've started worrying about my weight and starting to feel really ugly and fat, so maybe I'm starting to care about my body and the way it looks, ultimately respecting it? Who knows?

They say about sexual abuse survivors being closed off to sex and not accepting sex even from partners, but what about those who lose respect for themselves and just become promiscuous sex slaves trying to keep others happy. It doesn't help that I may have an STI from someone who I should never have slept with in the first place. I'm taking medication for it now and my boyfriend and I can't sleep together for a while, so it's putting things into perspective for me. I need to put my foot down more and only have sex if I really want it.

Monday, 28 November 2016


I met up with that guy (T) yesterday and it was pretty overwhelming. He was excited, I was both excited and nervous, for the first time in a while. We didn't know where to go so we drove around in his BMW for a while. He didn't make any suggestions but he drove to the bay so I told him to go into this large centre full of restaurants, bowling alley and cinema. He paid for us to have two games of bowling (not cheap!) but I offered to pay. He bought me a drink and we played a game of pool. Then we went to this famous abandoned village, that was really creepy.


Me and this guy fell out a couple of times throughout the year, but since October 8th this year, we've been a couple!

Monday, 14 March 2016

Tough Times

This has been a draft for a while and it was written in February 2015. I was going through the worst time of my life, I couldn't even finish the post. Seeing this makes me see how far I've come. Things can get better.

The last bits are my notes about what I wanted to write in the post. Yes, a flat tyre was pissing me off and upsetting me, that's how sensitive I was.

"I've been feeling unbelievably stressed, depressed and suicidal for the past week or so. I had a panic attack two weeks ago, I only recently realised that that was what it was. I thought I was going to die; I was shaking, I went white, I was sweating, felt sick, my heart was skipping beats, faint and dizzy. It came on randomly for no reason and I thought my body was malfunctioning.

I've been feeling seriously suicidal and I've started self harming. I've never felt so suicidal before, I've never hated myself so much. I felt like a piece of worthless shit after my boyfriend and I broke up. It was another guy who couldn't deal with me and I blamed myself.

bad day in work
break up
failed biology
flat tyre
stressed at college

Star Stable Online: The Truth

I'm a 20 year old female that plays Star Stable Online. That could be seen as shameful as most of its players are aged 6-15 - yes, horrifyingly, 6 year olds have access to the Internet. For a short time, after I paid over fifty quid for it, I thought it was the wrong decision because of my age. However I've come across 32 year olds so that made me feel better and there are some relatively mature teenage girls on there. But when an argument breaks out, which is similar to children arguing over mud in a playground, I question my decision.

Star Stable Online, if you haven't already guessed, is all about horses - which I love. It's also a free to explore, RPG, something that I also love. Aside from some boring and simply childish quests, there are some cool characters and a lengthy story that's at the heart of everything. I also enjoy building things in quests and changing the virtual world around my Andalusian and I. No wonder it attracted me!

Obviously, SSO is out there to make money, primarily. Before you join, you can do a free trial but they give the impression that everything is better and you're more appreciated if you're a ‘Star Rider’ (someone who's paid for the game). In one sense, it is better as you get access to more parts of the really big map and loads more quests and horses, as well as items. But in another sense, you feel nothing more than a manipulated paying machine.

SSO know that their players are young. They're young, impressionable and very easy to manipulate. You often see a child saying how much they're trying to persuade their parents to pay for the game or how they're saving their pocket money to buy things! For me, fifty quid for the game is more than enough and I'm happy to wait MONTHS to save for a new horse. But for a young child, they can't wait and they have to fit in with their peers or get a certain type of horse or clothes ASAP.

I've only just scratched the surface here though. SSO is extremely stingy. They will try and squeeze every last penny out of you with false advertising. They make themselves appear very generous, such as right now, there's a rainbow event in which you collect gold and trade it for ‘gifts’. They made it out that you would receive loads of expensive gifts and I was quite excited, after all, I've paid good money, it's nice to get rewarded!

It was a lie and a lie that aggravated many.

Unless you count loads of horse food, ‘gifts’, then you'd be incredibly disappointed. Having horse food can save you shillings but that's about it. After a while though, I got a very ugly saddle, blanket and leg wraps, along with two scary leprechaun masks and a decent four leaf clover tail decoration. It sounds a lot but it really isn't when you find out the saddle (usually the most expensive item) only sells for 25 ‘shillings’. Compare that to thousands of shillings for a saddle or the food that costs more than 25 shillings just to feed your horses! SSO are about as generous as rich tax men.

The more annoying part is when you want to sell a horse. To buy a horse or pony, it can cost 200 (lower end horse) to more than 900 ‘star coins’ / SC (currency you have to pay for or you receive weekly). I believe it costs £30 for about 1500 star coins or something ridiculous like that. In short, it costs more than half the game price to get enough star coins to buy a horse or two or a horse and some items for it! They've overpriced everything.

Then you have shillings which you don't pay for, you earn through quests. You can't buy shillings and they don't let you buy everything in the game (only star coins can buy everything, of course). If you want to sell the horse you've paid for with your real money, they give you a measly 2500 shillings which wouldn't even be enough for a decent saddle! It would be fair to give a portion of the star coins back but no, they want you to keep buying and they do double star coin weekends to encourage more buying. Plenty of people complain about the sale price but SSO turns a blind eye. You receive 100 SC a week which is absolutely nothing and if you chose to save it for the most expensive horse in the game, it would take you two and a half months of saving.

I paid £53 for the entire game (lifetime membership) and only received 1200 star coins, only for them to offer 3000 coins a month or so after with the lifetime membership which drove me insane. I messaged them about this, only to discover another drawback - they don't reply.

On their website, it states that they will get back to you within 48 hours in a work week. What it should say is “we only respond to reports of players with the same copied and pasted message and all complaints or constructive criticisms will be ignored and deleted.” How unprofessional of them! I've been tempted to contact them asking them to respond to my numerous emails which I sent weeks ago but that'll probably be ignored too.

All in all, the game is good but it's a shame about the company running it. The game on its own is enough to make people want to pay; you don't need false advertising and hidden manipulation to sell it.

If you're thinking about buying this game, ask yourself if you're okay with a company constantly trying to squeeze money out of you at every opportunity and being stingy in return. I'm a lifetime star rider, I should be at the top of the game; the most privileged, yet I'm still made to feel like I need to buy more or that I'm still limited in what I can do.

If you're a parent reading this, teach your kids about peer pressure to fit in not being important, to save your money, as there's a ridiculous amount of competition going on and rivalry between players; “I've got 20 horses, I'm better than you”. SSO also seemed to have employees in game that would keep an eye on things and mingle with everyone but I've never seen one, so don't believe that.

Extra info for parents:
There are a surprisingly high number of young boys that play this game, despite no option to play as a male character or use a male name. I met one 12 year old boy, I let him know I was 20 years old but he clung to me like glue. Followed me everywhere and admired all of my things, and within ten minutes, he told me he loved me which was just ridiculous (I got away ASAP). I've met 30 year old women on there so there's a chance of old men using it too for more than horses. Us adults have money to spend on nice horses and things which attracts young and naive children, so it's something to think about.

Tuesday, 8 March 2016

New Car

I got my new car a few days ago and oh my god, I'm in love. It's such an improvement to my old one; central locking, heated windows, electric windows, smooth wipers, rev-o-meter, engine temperature! They're nothing to most, but I shriek every time I unlock the car - even in work. I've never had such luxury! It drives so smooth, there's no weird engine noises and everything works. I got the black wheel trims on the same day which we fitted the next day and it instantly made the car look sporty and 1000x better than it already was.

One of my service users likes to name things , including my cars and she named this one "Betsy" which changed to "Betsy Lou" which is cute; I might keep it. ♥

I can't stop driving it and my parents can't stop looking at it through the window. People have said it's "sexy" and even my grampy liked it.

I'm so happy I chose to get a new car instead of investing in my old one.

I didn't want to tell you mummy. (Trigger)

I didn't want to tell you, mummy.
I didn't tell you I was raped.
I didn't tell you what else my brother did.
I didn't tell you about the flashbacks.
I didn't tell you about the scars.
I didn't tell you about him.
I didn't tell you how my dad truly makes me feel.
I didn't tell you my fears.
I didn't tell you what I was pushed into.
I didn't tell you everything that has happened to me.

I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to upset you, mummy. I didn't want to tell you because I knew you'd worry. And I didn't want to tell you just in case you viewed me or the world differently. Forgive me.

Wednesday, 2 March 2016

I'm getting a new car in two days!

I'm super happy!
My first and current car cost just £850 and is eleven years old. I paid a lot into the car to keep it running but eventually, it got too much and literally last Saturday, I decided to give up and look into getting a new car. I got my first car because I couldn't stand the two hour journey to college, so I got a job on the weekend. I was absolutely exhausted for the entire two years of college and had a mental breakdown in the last few months of it.
I thought this day would never come or that I would be stuck with my current car for many years to come. I would admire other people's cars and be envious that their cars could comfortably go past 60mph without shaking violently. It didn't even have a revometer, so I had to listen to the engine and feel the car (which I can't do in my new car - it's so smooth!) in order to change gears. The car nearly caused a serious collision when the brakes went and I rolled out into a busy roundabout in front of two cars - the brakes are still pretty useless. I didn't know just how light steering wheels are either until I did the test drive! I was nervous about long journeys, simply because I felt the car wasn't stable and the doors and wheels would simply fall off and I'd skid down the road!

My new car is a newer model, worth £4000, 7 years old and I got accepted for the finance! I've never had a car with air-con, central locking or even electric windows. Everything is an awesome gadget to discover in this car. I'm going to feel a lot safer now and happily make a long journey planned in the Summer! I hope the novelty never wears off and I'll remember where I started.

I've ordered black wheel trims. The first car I was looking at, I loved. It had black wheel trims and was bright green - very sporty looking. When it came to getting it, they said someone else is going to get it, they just need to sign some papers. They rang me today saying she didn't go through with the purchase, so it's now available! But I'd already put a deposit down and to be honest, I'm glad I had already as I got a much better deal and they offered me a better price for my current car, as well as extras! They're giving me a free MOT, service and valet, which is why I have to wait. I get a longer warranty too and the car was cheaper than the green one.

Bring on Friday!

Wednesday, 11 November 2015

People respect you more when you die.

I came across a deceased person's facebook. Every year, people had been posting non stop and when he was in a coma, some three years ago. They were all reminiscing of the good times and memories which were often really random pointless sentences he'd said to them. So I assumed he was very popular and highly loved. However when I went to his statuses when he was alive, it consisted of statuses asking for people to send him a message, getting next to no likes and his photos had barely any attention. Surely, if he was so loved and popular, he wouldn't have to ask for messages all the time. I also realised that he wrote a status about getting really drunk, but then the next morning in the early hours, he crashed his bike and went into a coma, so he was drink driving and caused his own death.

I hate that people bullshit in things like this to make out that they're deeply hurt and it's like a competition of how close they were to the deceased. Some were even saying RIP when he was still alive! It's pathetic.